Fifty Shades of Trailer Boredom

Yes, yes, I’m thoroughly aware that I seem to be totally incapable of maintaining any kind of regularity with my blog output these days. Life has tended to get in the way of essential blog time (*me time) lately. Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to kick start the new blogging year with a little bit of a riff on Fifty Shades of Grey, and why I’m not going to see it. I know what you’re probably all thinking, but I want you to suspend that thought for a moment. Yes, I find the whole concept of Fifty Shades really problematic, but that’s not why I’m not going to see the film. I’m not going to see it because I think it looks like the most truly awful piece of tripe that has ever been made for cinematic distibution. I mean, have you seen the trailer? I did, and it made me laugh. A lot. And when I was not laughing I was cringing at all of the overworked clichés that they’d harvested especially for the trailer. I’m pretty sure that that’s not the kind of reaction that E. L. James was hoping for. Anyway, last Friday, a whole bunch of my girlfriends hooked up to go and see it. I know that they probably think I’m a total spoilsport for not going to see it with them, but this was my literal thought process as I watched the trailer:

Okay, it begins. She’s going up in an elevator looking all sad and then she looks up like ‘Oh my god, the elevator just went “ding”! That was so unexpected.’

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If you want to be a really good English student, you have to wear a shirt from the ’70s. Oh, and a cardigan. The cardigan is an absolute must. Am I supposed to be anticipating sexy stuff yet?

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‘What was he like?’ ‘…very intimidating.’ Blimey, yes I see it. That is one intimidating hand right there. Look at all those veins.

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‘There’s really not much to know about me [pause]. Look at me [nervous laughter].’ Oh come on, are we really supposed to suspend disbelief here?

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‘I am.’ Bahahahaha! Just stop it, you’re killing me! Ok, being serious now, we have established that Christian Grey has veiny hands and is very literal.

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HOLD THE PHONE. Where did that duffle coat come from?!

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‘It must be really boring.’ Tell me about it. Now when are we going to get to the sexy stuff?

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Oh, hang on. That’s a bit sexy.

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Inner monologue (unspoken): ‘Just having a mental breakdown over my grand piano.’ Why don’t you just have some fun on that piano. Demi and Patrick knew how to use props effectively.

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Oh FFS. When she said ‘make the bed’, she didn’t just mean make YOUR side.

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Oh cool, there’s a light aircraft! My GCSE English Literature handbook tells me that this is supposed to be a metaphor for the ‘thrill’ of romance. That’s a fantastically executed metaphor, I must say.

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And now they’re going upside-down in it. Easy, tiger.

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Ooh, I know what he’s going to say, here: ‘I just need to pop to Asda (or Walmart or Trader Joe’s or something like that) to get some milk for the tea.’ Oh wait, I think this frame actually relates to the bit where he talks about his ‘singular’ tastes in the bedroom that Dakota/Anastasia ‘wouldn’t understand’.

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‘Enlighten me then.’ I’m finding it really hard to believe that you don’t know what S&M is, Dakota.

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Oh look, her hands are also veiny! They’re made for each other.

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So there you have it. I’m not a prude, or a snob, but that’s just all I got from it – cardigans, light aircraft, and piano tantrums. I’m sure it will be quite sexy, and I can see the appeal of Jamie Dornan (even though he’s not been in anything I’ve ever heard of before and despite the fact that his stare is actually a bit psychotic), but I spent £15 on a truly awful film last year and I vowed I would never ever do it again. You can buy a lot for £15. In any case, if we are to believe that Fifty Shades really empowers women to explore their individual passions, then we have to accept that some women will choose to opt out of this one.

*Annoyingly, this post is about two weeks late owing to server issues that prevented me from getting it up (pun most certainly intended).

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  1. Sonia Polzella says:

    Nicole, this post is brilliant! Summed up the film very well, I’m sure it was a comedy not a ‘porn’ as some reporters have stated! I can safely say I will not be reading or paying to watch the rest of the series. I can be dragged only to watching the next film if I’m persuaded with Prosecco and a home cooked meal. :) xx

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